Our desire to make everything fair brings psychotic consequences

I fear this post might be seen as offensive, but there’s a truth behind it that has weighed heavy on my mind for days.

Many in society believe that to be fair everyone should be winners, especially children. We would be monsters if we allowed them to experience the heartache of rejection, right? After watching a dress rehearsal this week for a talent show in my son’s elementary school, I can no longer go along with that narrative.

The tryouts they held were pointless. Only twenty acts were supposed to make the cut, but, in the end, no one was. The show now had almost more than double the planned acts.

I did my best to keep a neutral expression throughout the dress rehearsal debacle, but a few of the acts were truly horrendous.

Other adults in the room praised the fairness of the situation. “Isn’t it great?”

Are they insane? It’s all I could think.

Why in the world would you allow a kid to go up on the stage, knowing they were completely tone deaf or had zero rhythm? For the sake of this blasted fairness these kids would be showing a major lack of talent in the area they had chosen to perform for the entire school. How could they not see the ridicule coming?

It wouldn’t be coming from me or other adults. We’ve learned to clap and smile, trying our best to help our kids find confidence in the dreams they wish to pursue. But most kids haven’t gained that filter yet. There’s a good chance the awful ones will get laughed off the stage. And how can we blame those kids in the audience for doing it? It’s an honest response to what they will witness. If the adults in charge had just stuck to the original twenty acts stated before the tryouts they could have saved these few kids from embarrassing themselves. Sure, other decent acts would have gotten cut too, but that’s okay. In real life, sometimes you’re not going to make the cut, even when you do your best.

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Well, it’s wrestling season and my youngest is crazy, so I have to share another sport/mom moment. Let me just preface this by saying it’s really hard for me to watch my children wrestle. There’s always an anxiousness that grips my muscles every time they go out on the mat. I often feel like I’ve been in a car accident when I slip into bed after a tournament. Always stuck in the bleachers, I can’t help but yell the few moves I do know. I’m the mom—I want to help them succeed. And this is really the only thing I can do for them. Well, my ungrateful little redhead didn’t see it that way this last weekend.

He tore through the tournament, beating the first three opponents he faced off against with ease. Then we come to number four. This one’s fairly matched in technic and strength with my son. It’s a tight match, so my yelling increases. It’s not like a make a conscious choice—it’s a gut reaction to the building stress inside me.

My son, in the middle of a move looks up at me and yells, “Be quiet.”

“Don’t talk to your mother like that,” says Dad, who is coaching mat side.

This back and forth between my son and husband goes on for most of the third period. At one point my son gets rolled and yet he keeps talking to my husband about how I’m distracting. I’m distracting? How in the world are you wrestling and talking at the same time?

That little booger ends up winning by points anyway. His antics left everyone in the crowd around me laughing. I was not amused. So much for karma showing my son how powerful a cheering mom is.

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Feeling inspired

One of the hardest things for me to do is write within the parameters of someone else’s making. Themes or starter ideas rarely motivate my creativity into anything substantial, so I agreed with some trepidation to write a short story for a Christmas-themed anthology coming out next year. For weeks my mind wandered in circles, trying to figure out a spinoff from one of my previous novels. Every idea I fleshed out ended up sounding so contrived to fit the Christmas theme they wanted, I cringed in disgust and threw it away. I didn’t care that it was only a short story. If it was going to have my name on it, then the story had to be a work I wasn’t ashamed of.

I awoke early Thanksgiving morning, my mind whirring with an idea that had nothing to do with any character I’d ever written before. I rushed from my bed and stumbled into the kitchen, my fingers scrawling on the first piece of scrap paper I could find.

The plot isn’t groundbreaking, but a funny reflection on a simple truth—the sweetest moments in our lives are those we don’t plan for. I promise, though short, Sidney’s story will be worth reading. Coming Christmas 2019.

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Being a loser isn’t such a bad thing after all

There is a gift in losing that can never be received any other way—it’s called compassion.

My youngest son is fun to watch in most sports. How fast he picks up on athletic skills has blown my mind on more than occasion, but that doesn’t mean he always wins. Far from it—not even fifty percent if I’m being honest. And after watching him this weekend, I can say that all those losses have been for the best.

In a four-man bracket at a wrestling tournament my son finished his last match—an easy pin on someone who clearly was new to the sport. Rather than just shake hands and go his way, he took the teary boy back to his coach with his arm around his shoulders.

I shook my head at the animated way my son lifted his hands up, like people did years ago when saying “raise the roof.” Once a smile cracked on the boy’s face, our son rejoined us on the other side of the mat.

“What was that about?” I said taking his headgear.

“I felt bad about making him cry, so I told him about my very first match, and how I pinned myself by trying to bench press the kid off of me.”

It was an epic loss we still laugh about today.

I couldn’t have been prouder. He didn’t the win the bracket, having experience a loss of his own earlier in the day, but that wasn’t his focus. Instead, he reached out to someone who he could see was in far more need of comfort. All those losses through the years had given him an intimate understanding of what defeat feels like, and he wanted to ease that pain. To me, that makes him one cool kid. He added to my understanding of what it really means to compete in sports.

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The heart of a learner

Experience is life’s greatest teacher. Sometimes it’s the only way you can be taught, which means there is a good chance you’ll be starting out with little to no understanding. Don’t fear those moments—embrace them. No one has all the answers or has experienced everything. And no one is beneath you, no matter how intelligent you think you are. Farmers know things lawyers do not, and vice versa. Everyone you meet could teach you something you don’t know. Just imagine what you could become if you lived by that truth. What knowledge you would acquire if you listened with intent to learn. In fact, the older I get the more I realize how little I know about the things I thought I understood well. Yeah, that was a confusing sentence. 🙂 There is always room for growth, always.

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The making of a great leader: The ability to explain yourself

Ah…communication, probably the single most helpful and yet often most frustrating part of being a leader. You gotta do it. It’s the only way the people beneath you will know the how, when, where, and what you are leading, but let’s face it, words get misconstrued all the time. And sadly, being a mind reader doesn’t exist outside the realm of fantasy. How do you ensure your words are reaching the necessary level of understanding for your endeavor to be successful?

First, make sure you use language familiar to the person you are dealing with. You may be the smartest, most qualified leader the world has ever seen, but if someone can’t understand what you need them to do, your knowledge and leadership is worthless.

Be willing to look for other avenues of communication. You might literally have to paint someone a picture to get your point across. That shouldn’t bother you—we all have different strengths and ways we learn. A leader who is willing to try every avenue will eventually find success with those they work with.

I could go on and on about communicating, but I will leave you with this one last point. You’re going to make mistakes in this department, I promise you. Picking the perfect course of communication for everyone you work with, every time, is not possible, so don’t beat yourself up. A leader who never gives up, never truly fails.

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The making of a great leader: Put a positive spin on it.

Staying positive can be hard at times, but when you’re a leader, it’s critical that you always find a way. Most people do not react well to negativity, it tends to make them less productive. Remember, as a leader, you are like the gasoline for engines. The more pumped up octane you provide those you lead, the better your group’s engine will perform.

This positivity shouldn’t just be about the goals you are trying to attain but also those working with you. Be careful how you speak about those you lead. If you show a constant example of speaking only uplifting things about those under you, everyone will be more likely to do the same. Nothing ruins engines faster than the fissures that come from within. It takes a positive leader to keep them to a minimum.

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